I'm obsessed with a woman.
I'm obsessed with a woman who doesn't exist. Or does she?
I had a dream this morning. I woke up at 7 am because I had to pee. Afterward I got back in bed and fell asleep.
I had a dream.
In the dream, I was some kind of technician. Apart from that, though, I had to take some kind of test. It seems like it was something similar to the SAT. The first part of the test was some kind of word association thing and some king of writing thing. I did very well.
Then she was in the dream.
I didn't pay a lot of attention to her. She was the proctor for the test. Or maybe she was some kind of teacher. I started the second part of the test and I got to the middle of it and was called away. I don't remember how, but I had to go fix some kind of device. I don't remember what it was, but it involved using a voltmeter. It was a box, about waist high. After I fixed it, I was chatting with another technician when I remembered the test. I ran back to the room, and I noticed that time was almost up. I sat down to finish the test, thinking I could do it in the amount of time left. I looked at the test and the questions made no sense. Then time ran out. I had answered less than half the questions.
She came to collect my test sheet and I knew that she knew I hadn't done well. She didn't look angry or impatient. She looked sad and disappointed.
Everyone had left the classroom and so I followed. We all went down several flights of stairs and arrived at a balcony overlooking what seemed to be a playing field. We all lined up along the rail of the balcony. The school choir was going to sing. I saw her coming down the aisle toward me, but the choir started singing and I turned away.The choir was marvelous. We all applauded them. The choir director had come up to the balcony and we were clapping for him.
I noticed she was standing next to me. On my left.
Then the choir director said he had something special for us. He introduced three men who were famous choir trainers. The men jumped over the balcony railing and began running around, doing acrobatics. One of the men started break dancing on his head. Another on had one of the choir members in a head lock between his ankles. The choir scattered in all directions.
She started walking down the stairs, out of the balcony. I felt I needed to follow her.
One of the choir members accosted me. It was one of my co-workers in real life, Max Polk. He started to chit chat with me and I was trying to get away without being rude.
She had crossed the hall and was headed indoors.
I really needed to follow her. Max had grabbed my arm and was telling me something he felt was very important. I shook him off and went after her.
I didn't run, I walked. She was walking slowly ahead of me.
Then we were in a kitchen. She was cleaning up. Washing dishes. The dishes were done, and everyone else left.
We were alone.
She told me that she was very disappointed that I didn't do better on the test.
Then we were sitting on a bench. I mumbled something about having to fix something, and she said that my test score meant that I couldn't advance. To what, I don't know. I asked if I could take the test again. She said no, but don't worry, sometimes things that you want just slip away.
Then we were sitting on a couch. I had my arms around her. She didn't mind. She showed me her thumb. She said it was dead.
She started to cry.
She said she had wanted to be a concert pianist. She said it was all gone now. Something had happened to her thumb and now it was dead. She said a concert pianist couldn't have a dead thumb.
She lay back on the couch and I was facing her. She said no, I shouldn't do this. Then she just lay back and threw her arms aside, inviting me. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her, yet she knew it was a mistake. I started to kiss her.
I woke up.
Even now, I can remember her face. The dream is beginning to fade, she is beginning to fade. I would know her anywhere. She was beautiful. Ethereal.
So now I am obsessed. Obsessed with the idea that she is real, and somewhere out there. Maybe she's waiting for me to find her. Maybe she isn't. Maybe she's just getting on with her life, knowing nothing at all of my dream.